Have a question? Find your answer in PROM AND PARTY ETIQUETTE.

Every year at this time we get questions about graduation from high school seniors or their parents. Probably the most common one concerns gifts, invitations, and announcements. In our book PROM AND PARTY ETIQUETTE, Peggy and I included the following in a special box:

Begging for Gifts?

“Even if the school does not place a limit on the number of invitations you can send out, you should not send invitations to people who are already included in the ceremony.  Usually gifts are given by people who receive an invitation, so it might seem like you are begging for a gift by sending invitations to teachers, parents of other graduates, or family members who live far away and are not likely to attend.

On the other hand, there is no obligation to send a gift associated with receiving an announcement. People who receive an announcement may send a congratulatory note or card (or perhaps a small gift if they choose). So, announcements are a nice way to let people know about your accomplishment without it looking as if you’re begging for a gift!” page 77

From PROM AND PARTY ETIQUETTE by Cindy Post Senning and Peggy Post.

Do these hikers have trail names?

At a pot luck supper recently I met a woman who had hiked the Appalachian Trail end to end. I was so impressed. Some time in the past I had read an article about long distance hiking on the AT. It mentioned that hikers often have “trail” names. They’re a sort of nickname that stays with the hiker throughout their journey over both time and distance. Other hikers leave them notes, instructions, messages, etc. They can leave messages for others and use their trail name in their sign off. At meetings of hikers they are identified by their trail name.

So – I asked her, “Is it polite to ask if you had a trail name and, if so, what was/is it?” I didn’t know if it was appropriate for me – a non-hiker – to know her “trail” name or if it was some sort of code of hikers. “It’s fine to ask – mine was _______. It’s funny, there is a whole group of people out there who only know me as ________. We have hikers’ get-togethers and people just call me by my trail name.”

My next question came out of my work as an etiquette trainer. Often I am asked about what we call people: last names and titles, first names, nicknames, “hey you”, and so on. The answer is always based on what name would convey respect and that often comes from the person’s preference. So…kids call adults by their first names only if the adult asks them to; otherwise, the respectful thing to do is to call them by their title and last name. An employee calls the managers in his company by their title and last name unless the manager indicates otherwise. Nicknames are saved for social situations and only if you know a person well enough to use it and be certain that it is not hurtful.

I was curious. How do trail names get picked? My hiker friend explained that there are two basic criteria which go into determining a trail name:

1. Someone else picks the name. You never determine your own trail name.
2. You get to okay the name. If it’s something that is offensive or hurtful to you, you can say so and they’ll look for another name.

My friend’s name was indeed picked by others, and she thought it was fine. It stuck! Those two elements are at the root of the answer I use when I’m asked questions about names. My response is always based on what is the respectful thing to do. In the northeast and on the west coast kids might  call me  Cindy. In the south and mid-west they are more likely to call me Dr. or Mrs. Senning. In the south it might be Miss Cindy (never in the northeast would I hear that!) I am comfortable with any of the above and am quick to let kids know that. But if I wasn’t, the default is always for them to call me Dr. or Mrs. Senning.  As far as I’m concerned they are all respectful. As I tell the kids, “Just don’t call me ‘Hey you!’”

Nick names pose another conundrum. Maybe everyone calls him “Meatball.” And maybe he says he doesn’t mind; but does he? Who came up with that nickname? Did anyone really ever ask him? Names that highlight physical attributes, or call up an unfortunate experience may seem funny and everyone laughs, but is the person who’s stuck with that name really laughing. Maybe not…. Take great care with nicknames. My real name is Lucinda and my nickname is Cindy. Obviously that is fine but when I was a teen with naturally curly kind of frizzy hair I would have been very hurt if everyone called me “Friz”. The respectful thing is to avoid those potentially harmful names.

My husband’s name is John. When he grew up everyone called him Jack. Then he went to college and the professors all called him John, the name on their class lists, and he didn’t bother to correct anyone. Now I know when someone calls and asks for Jack it’s probably someone from his childhood. When others “suggested” they would call him John, he had the opportunity to say yes or no. He said yes. Just as my hiker friend said yes. People get to determine what names are okay wherever they are – not just on the trail. The experience of talking with the hiker helped to clarify that for me. And now I’ve had a chance to clarify it for you. I hope it does.

Cindy – that’s what I like to be called. (Although when I was about 16 some of my friends and my brother started calling me Luce and that has stuck with just a few people ever since. It’s okay with me!)

During our intensive four-day training, participants learn how to teach a comprehensive children’s etiquette curriculum using our seven training modules. There is also a one-day presentation and facilitation skills workshop, two modules to be used instructing parents and teachers, a chance to observe presentations and receive critique on presentations, and information about how to build a successful children’s etiquette program. Graduates may market themselves as “Trained by The Emily Post Institute.”

If you:

• want to start your own children’s etiquette seminar business,
• already teach children’s etiquette, but want to learn and use the Children’s Etiquette Program created and taught by The Emily Post Institute, or
• are involved in children’s education and related businesses and are seeking to make etiquette training a part of your program;

please contact us at The Emily Post Institute for more information about the next Children’s Train the Trainer to be held in May 2012.

Alexander Paul Post - 3 years

Carter Thomas Post - 5 months

Last week I had the opportunity to visit my nephew and his wife and their “so cute” 5-month-old son Carter. He joins the sixth generation along with Alexander, his “so cute” 3-year-old second cousin. One of the joys of having a family legacy and business is greeting each new generation. Maybe Carter and  Alexander will take up the etiquette business – maybe they won’t. They may leave it to Post/Senning cousins still to come, but for now they fulfill the promise of a sixth generation. Whatever they do, we are all proud and pleased and know Emily would be, too!

]]> http://www.thegiftofgoodmanners.com/?feed=rss2&p=1561 0 http://www.thegiftofgoodmanners.com/?p=1545 http://www.thegiftofgoodmanners.com/?p=1545#comments Thu, 09 Feb 2012 17:20:28 +0000 Cindy Post Senning http://www.thegiftofgoodmanners.com/?p=1545

What would you do?!?

I love talking with kids about manners and etiquette. The biggest challenge is getting started. One way to get them talking is to pose a question and ask them for their ideas. I would never start with, “Hey, let’s talk about manners today.” Any kid I know would blanch. However, I might ask:

So you are caught at the dining room table at a family dinner with your crazy Aunt Ellie who is boring you to death with the same stories she tells year after year. What would you do…?

There is not a specific right answer. The point of the conversation is to get to a response that focuses on how you show respect or kindness to Aunt Ellie. Perhaps this is the one time a year she gets to see everyone and she loves to tell the story about … whatever.  She doesn’t remember that she told it before, but she knows it is an important story in her life and she wants to share it. So maybe the answer is that you just grin and listen. After all, it’s just a short time in your life and it means so much to her. After lunch you and your siblings might talk about who got to hear Aunt Ellie’s story this year. Were there any differences? How did you respond? Then, how did she respond?

Maybe this scenario never happened to you or your family. Still it is a way to talk about respecting others in a different generation. This leads to a talk about the principles of etiquette. How do we show respect? Kids like to talk about these things.

I have many, many “What would you do?” cards that I use at talks I do with kids just to get them talking back. They are always popular and never fail to start a discussion. I will share others throughout this year. Or, think up your own. The point never is a specific answer. The point is to think through how you might respond in a way that builds or strengthens the relationship at hand. The idea to get kids thinking and talking about respect, consideration, honesty, and kindness and how these basic principles can bring us to a more positive place.

Happy conversations! And please let me know if you come up with some good scenarios I can use. Thanks

One other basic rule of thumb has to do with ketchup and gravy. If you’ve smothered your french fries with either, you should use a fork to eat them.

However you manage them, french fries can be pretty delicious. Enjoy!

Fork or Fingers?

A new year is an exciting time. It offers all sorts of possibilities and a fresh start. 2012 is particularly exciting in the new possibilities it offers me. After 12 years co-directing the Emily Post Institute with my brother Peter and my sister-in-law Peggy (married to a different brother), I am retiring from management duties and taking on a part time role as a consultant. I will continue to write The Gift of Good Manners, manage the family program, train trainers for children’s etiquette programs, and confer with the others when they need my “sage” advice. I won’t drive 45 minutes in the snow, sleet, freezing rain, and the dark anymore. I also won’t attend many, many management team meetings. I know they will go on successfully without me as I am leaving those duties to able and talented people at the Institute.

The children and parents or family program is near and dear to me. My background in maternal child health and education has informed so much of my practice in this family business. I firmly believe in the social development scale we created to help parents and teachers know when they can teach children the essential social skills that will serve them for a lifetime. I am glad that I will be able to continue this blog as it gives me the opportunity to think through many of the issues that are important to all of us. I hope you will continue to read it and contribute your ideas whenever you are so moved.

Here’s to tried and true efforts of the past and to new possibilities in the future.

With warm wishes for exciting new year and new paths for all of you!

Cindy Post Senning

With warm wishes and good cheer,

Cindy

Gifts or Tip???

Every Holiday Season we get many questions about tipping: how much, who, when, gifts or cash? One of the trickier questions has to do with who. The answer is simple: people who have provided a service for you and to whom you want to show appreciation. That, after all, is what tipping is about. There is another guideline that helps – generally speaking we don’t tip professionals: doctors, nurses, lawyers, teachers, and dentists. However, it is certainly reasonable that you might want to give any of those folks a gift when the service they have provided was especially meaningful. Many children want to give a gift to their teacher. While giving a cash tip to a teacher is not appropriate, involving your child in giving a gift makes perfect sense. Two points to keep in mind:

• First, check out school policies. Some schools have strict policies around gift giving and you don’t want to put the teacher in a difficult position.
• This is not a time for spending a large sum of money. The point of this gift is to engage your child in giving, to show the teacher how much you appreciate what she/he does all year long and to express a sense of caring.

It’s only natural that children want to give gifts to their teachers: after all, they spend hours every week with them. But what gifts can they give? Here are some suggestions. But don’t limit yourself to these: they are simply ideas. Also, talk with your child. After all, it’s their gift to their teacher.

• A gift of cookies, homemade jellies, jams or salsa packaged in holiday wrapping with a card written by the student is always appreciated.
• With digital cameras, it’s easy and fun to take photos, make and decorate a cardboard frame, put names and dates on the back, and give to the teacher to enjoy.
• A small plant or good luck bamboo in a small vase brightens up their desk and the classroom for the rest of the year.
• A mug full of jell beans or an individual pack of hot chocolate mix. Add a candy cane for a special mint hot chocolate treat. If the teacher has been in the business for fifteen years, they may already have a zillion mugs, but a new teacher may be just starting their collection.
• If you know of a special interest the teacher has, shop for an ornament or box of note cards that reflects it.

Wrap any gift in festive paper and help your child write a note to go with the gift. If they are too young to write, have them color the message part of the card and “sign” their name. Before the day gets started at school or after school, go with your child to see the teacher and help them give the gift. That way you can share the experience and joy of giving together.

One idea for you, the parent. Add your own note of holiday cheer and appreciation. It’s a gift from you that means a great deal to the teacher who gives to your child everyday.

Consideration - a gift you don't have to wrap!

Helping Out - and it doesn't cost a cent!

For the next three weeks we have a special, special deal if you purchase EMILY’S CHRISTMAS GIFTS through The Emily Post Store. The book is half price off the retail price, AND if you buy one, you get one free if you purchase it by December 21.

Whatever you do, talk with your children about the gifts you don’t have to wrap, ask them what they think those gifts might be, and, most of all, have a wonderful Holiday Season!