The Gift of Good Manners

“In an increasingly multi-cultural society, it is respectful to know what people of different religions are celebrating during holidays and whether there is a traditional holiday greeting (Saying to a workmate, ‘Hope you have a blast on your day off!’ is hardly appropriate for either Good Friday or Yom Kippur, both days of serious reflection).”  From EMILY POST’S ETIQUETTE, 17th Edition, page 554. You may work with someone who celebrates a holy day with which you are not familiar. It shows respect and caring to take the time to learn what an appropriate greeting might be during the special time.

This year August 11 is the start of Ramadan. Ramadan is a holy time in the Islamic faith that lasts for 30 days. It is a time for reflection and spiritual discipline, including fasting between dawn and dusk. The time for Ramadan is set by the lunar cycle and so is different each year. A greeting during Ramadan is Ramadan Mubarak (“May God give you a blessed month”).

The end of Ramadan is ‘Eid al-Fitr which is the Feast of the Breaking of the Fast. A greeting for this special holy day is Id Mubarak (“May God make it a blessed feast.”)

So during this special time for your friends from the Islamic faith, wish them a special time as you would friends from every tradition.

It’s August in New England and that means one very important thing: Corn on the Cob! It’s a favorite menu item in the summer. However, corn on the cob shows up in the Those Trickier Situations chapter in our TABLE MANNERS FOR KIDS book for a reason. How do you eat corn on the cob without grossing everyone out.

Eating corn on the cob - illustration by Steve Bjorkman

Step 1: Put pats of butter on your plate and then use your knife to butter a few rows. (One practice in some families is to roll the ear of corn on a stick of butter that is used only for that purpose. In that case, be careful not to roll your fingers in the butter, too!)

Step 2: Take just a bite or two at a time rather than chomping back and forth along the rows like an old-fashioned type-writer or spinning it around like a roller.

Step 3: If you get butter all over your fingers and corn kernels all over your face, use your napkin to wipe them off.

Step 4: (Only for kids with no teeth!) If you’ve lost all your front teeth and can’t get the corn off the cob with your gums, ask an adult to cut the corn off the cob so you can still enjoy it.

Of course, you can always resort to the advice I give when you don’t know the routine where you are served corn (in this case – or any other for that matter).  Just watch the other diners, follow along, and… ENJOY!

Sometimes when I tell people what I do, they sort of laugh and say, “Manners? Does anybody really pay attention to manners anymore?” What I have found is that many, many people do pay attention. However, there are definite challenges that come along with promoting etiquette/manners in the today’s world. I’ve actually identified five.

Number One was posted on December 11 – Convincing people that the small amount of extra time and effort it takes to treat people with respect, consideration and kindness is worth it in so many ways – social, business, and emotional.

Number Two on February 13 – Getting the message out that there is a standard of behavior and that being flexible does not mean acting below that standard.  Flexibility allows us to be respectful of the diversity of customs that is part of the world today but we never suggest that people should behave below the standard.

Number Three on March 9 – Getting the message out that while manners change, the principles do not.  While manners are different today than they were yesterday, and they differ from region to region, the principles of respect, consideration and honesty are exactly the ones that guided Emily Post’s advice and are fundamental in every culture.

Today I’m thinking about Number Four -  Getting the message out that people can be both informal and polite!

A reporter once commented to me that I must have the most perfectly set table ever. The thing is that I don’t even have a dining room or kitchen table. My children learned their “table” manners eating on trays on their laps. They still learned the importance of manners and enjoying good food and conversation at the same time. They know how to handle their utensils, and they know to chew with their mouths closed. Ours was an informal home with a custom of informality, but we were always respectful and considerate and knew that manners were an essential skill for everyone in the family.

The informality associated with asking guests to remove their shoes in your home or an adult asking a child to call them by their first name does not imply rudeness. However, informality also does not mean you don’t need to be careful of another person’s home or respectful to an adult. Calling someone by their first name if they’ve requested it  simply suggests informality not disrespect. This is a difficult concept and I believe it accounts for much of the discussion about how much rudeness there is in today’s world. I’m not sure I there is. I know so many people of so many ages who are polite, respectful, and considerate. I do agree that there is a greater level of informality which requires us to be even more mindful of the way we treat each other. Unless we take the time and care that “polite” behavior requires – formal or informal, we may easily slip into rudeness. All I am saying is that we don’t need to revert to the formality of days gone by in order to be a polite society. We can be informal and polite at the same time.

Informal but polite!

So, whether you’re at a backyard barbecue in jeans and a tee shirt or a formal dance in a tuxedo, treat everyone with respect and consideration, mind your manners, and have a great time.

Beautiful beaches, oil rigs on fire, docks and marinas, oil soaked pelicans. Images from the Gulf Coast of the BP oil spill cross the television screen daily. How is this affecting your kids? If you think they’re unaware about what’s happening, think again. Our children learn about current events from their friends, from time spent online and many other sources. Your kids may be feeling disturbed, curious, sad, concerned, scared or worried.

Often, television news and graphic images of distress can be disturbing to children. Turning off the television doesn’t necessarily do the trick; kids may see these images at a friend’s house. Telling them, “Just don’t worry about it,” won’t soothe their fears. The images are still pretty scary.

There are things you can do to help your child process what they are hearing and seeing. Talk to your children. Tell them where this is happening; show it to them on a map. Point out your own home so they can see where it’s all going on relative to where they are. Talk about the people who are helping the birds and the fish. Describe some of the efforts that are happening to stop the leak. Ask your kids what they think.  Are they worried, scared, or sad? Verbalizing any fears or concerns will help them keep their fears from growing out of proportion. You’ll show them that you care how they are responding to scary situations; and you’ll be giving them a lesson in how to talk about difficult news. After all, in real life there are more things than princesses and ponies.

For help, check out the National Wildlife Federation’s write up from Ranger Rick called “How to Talk With Kids About the Gulf Oil Spill.”

We are so pleased to invite you to visit the new version of our main web site.  www.EmilyPost.com has been completely redesigned. It now includes a new feature we are very proud of called Etipedia®. The Etipedia® is a search-able etiquette encyclopedia. Our Etiquette Daily  questions and answer blog can also be accessed from the new site. Of course you can still check out the various activities, programs, seminars, trainings, and publications from The Emily Post Institute as well. So please visit www.emilypost.com and see what we’re all about. Feel free to give feedback or suggestions about the new site in the comments here.  I am curious what you all think.

Not many people think of line manners as etiquette. But, think about it. How often do we stand in line? School, fast food restaurants, movie theaters, the bank, the grocery store, getting on the bus, buying tickets – just about everywhere! I have always pointed out to kids how often they stand in line at school. In fact, I think line manners are primarily taught in school – or even pre-school.

Wait patiently
No cutting
Stay in line
Take turns being first and last
No fooling around
Follow the leader
Don’t shift lines (when there is more than one)

I had the opportunity to visit Beijing, China ten years ago. My experience in Beijing was that people didn’t queue up. Everybody stood in a bunch and just worked their way to the front. It felt so bizarre but it was the culture at that time and it provided me with a different experience of line manners.

Chickadee waiting patiently

Why the bird feeder? I’ve watched birds at the feeder for years. Do they have line manners? Some do; some don’t.  The chickadees are the best. They come to the feeder one at a time; they grab one seed; and then fly off to a branch where they can crack and eat their one seed. Another flies in and out, then another. The purple finches and the gold finches, on the other hand, land on the feeder and take up residence. They peck at any other bird who tries to come to one of the other feeding stations on the same feeder. No manners there. The rose breasted grosbeaks are more like the finches. But over on the suet feeder, the nuthatches wait their turn as do the woodpeckers. I envision a little line of chickadees, nuthatches, woodpeckers out in the maple tree waiting their turn. So polite!

In EMILY’S EVERYDAY MANNERS, one of my favorite illustrations is the one of the kids in line at school. Ethan is at the tail end of a long snaking line, but he knows it will be his turn to be first on another day. Steve Bjorkman captured the feeling completely.

We are a society that queues up and line manners are important. Adults and kids alike should show the patience it requires to manage standing in line. It will brighten everyone’s day just a little bit and slowly but surely we do get to the head of the line.

Dressing Up

It’s Prom time again. The talk is always about the gowns – color, style, borrowed, new. If you’re a girl it’s all about what you’re going to wear. How about the guys? They also take care in figuring out what they will wear.  Going with my sons to rent their tuxedos for the prom was a memorable event. One of the boys received a swatch of material from his date. She was making her own red dress and she was hoping Dan would coordinate his cummerbund with her gown. Ruffled shirts, suspenders, cuff links, colored tuxedo or shirt, shoes – so many choices.

And where on earth did the tuxedo come from anyway? Where did the craze start? Who created this getup, and why do guys still wear it to formal events?

Tuxedos undoubtedly got their name from Tuxedo Park, the first planned residential community in New York.  Emily Post’s father was the architect, and although she did not actually give the tuxedo it’s name, she did grow up spending her summers at Tuxedo Park.

The story has it that one evening Griswold Lorillard, son of the founder of Tuxedo Park, came up with the idea to wear a short black jacket without tails. The new fashion was a hit. When male guests would come and stay with families in Tuxedo Park, they were intrigued by the jackets the men wore and would return to places such as New York City and ask their tailors to make them a jacket “like the ones worn in Tuxedo.” Ironically, the tuxedo was originally considered an informal dinner jacket (because of its short tails), and yet now it is the most formal attire for men to wear.

“What shall I wear?” remains a question for all the teens heading for a prom. For boys and girls choosing just the right clothes for prom night is exciting but can be nerve wracking. Offer support and opinions, but don’t be upset if your choice isn’t the final one. The most important thing is for your son or daughter to feel comfortable and to know that they look the best they can for this once in a lifetime event!

Elizabeth Post May 7, 1920 - April 24, 2010

I wanted you all to know that after a battle with cancer my lovely mom, Elizabeth Post, passed away on April 24. She was surrounded by my dad, my husband and me, and my 3 brothers and their wives. It was a quiet, peaceful time for us all together. She was the best mom anyone could have, and we will miss her but are relieved that for her the struggle is over.

Some of you may know that after Emily died my mother took on the task of writing about and teaching etiquette. From 1965 to 1995 she wrote the five editions of ETIQUETTE, the first wedding books and planners, several books on entertaining, and a book for parents – PLEASE SAY PLEASE. She had a nationally syndicated column, wrote a monthly column in Good Housekeeping, appeared on radio and television, and frequently gave speeches and talks at events throughout the country.

I loved her practical, no-nonsense approach to everything she did. She also had a great sense of humor, a warm and welcoming personality, and an unforgettable smile that always made everyone around her feel great.

I am proud to be following in her footsteps as I build the etiquette program for parents and children. As I was writing this entry, I checked out her book for parents and in the introduction found the following:

So, when someone asks, “Are manners important?” I can honestly answer, “Of course they are.” Surely, wanting one’s child to be a considerate, attractive, self-respecting person is a normal desire, and giving him a knowledge of manners is a giant step toward that goal. Without the patient, continuous instruction and example set by one generation for the next, all the experience of civilization through the ages would be lost. This would be a true tragedy because among the thousands of rules – the contradictory, the changing, the useless, and the exaggerated – there are hundreds of real value. It is your job to sort out and pass on the best. By making those an integral part of your child’s personality, and by giving him the prerogative of discarding, adding, and changing them as his experience grows, you will help him to grow up popular, at ease, and with manners appropriate to his time. (PLEASE, SAY PLEASE by Elizabeth Post; page xiii)

It is indeed my privilege to help sort out and pass on the best manners of our time. Please join me in this task and share your thoughts and ideas both here in The Gift of Good Manners and with your friends and families.